Sometimes

Sometimes life works out how you expected it to. Sometimes it doesn't.

Neither of these is better all the time, cause sometimes you expect the worst and something excellent happens. And of course sometimes you expect everything will be cool and it ends in shit.

Within me there has always been a battle between the optimistic and pessimistic sides of my (for lack of a better word) soul. Sometimes, such as during my time as a student, the optimistic side was on top, at others, such as (unsurprisingly), immediately after I left university, my pessimistic side has been in ascendency.

But I don't tend to swing so noticeably from one to the other, I usually have 'O' days and 'P' days every now and again and spend the rest of the time in a state I've just decided as pessimistically optimistic.

Now, for various reason, some completely out of my control, others very much a result of my actions, I find myself pretty firmly in the realm of the pessimist.

Its not always a bad place to be. You often find yourself shielded from disappointments, because you are already expecting them when they arrive. But its not a great way to live your life.

It has to be said that this is an amazing world. It is as much full of wonders, excitements and beauty as it is full of despair, pain and the rest, perhaps more so. But living as a pessimist often means you don't see these things, or you ignore them when they come your way, choosing instead to look at the negatives rather than the positives.

I have a light at the end of my tunnel. I can see my life after pessimism. I'll get through it and move on, of that I have no doubt. So maybe the pessimistic side hasn't completely taken control!

And I wish the same for everyone else who is feeling they are on the 'P' side.

Strangely this post started off going in a completely different direction. Funny how your sub-conscious takes over every now and again when you aren’t paying attention!

Lates.

Regrets?

There are those who say that life is too short for regrets. I think that's bollocks. I mean, I don't think you should get obsessed by your regrets and let them take over your life, but I do think regrets are important for everyone.

They should guide your life. Be they small regrets like 'I should not have stayed up so late on a School night' or massive regrets that make you sick in your stomach when you think about them.

I'm a firm believer in learning from my mistakes and I have made some fucking huge ones. I wont dismiss them as par for the course, I will worry about them, and I will dissect them to ensure I don't repeat them.

By far the worst thing about mistakes is the effect they have on others. It’s the lack of thought towards other people that really sickens me about my mistakes. But wallowing in self-pity is not the answer. You make a mistake; you have to deal with it. Regret it, rebuild bridges, re-earn trust and learn from it.

And apologise as much as you can.

I'm sorry.

What, Where, Who, How And Why

Well its now October. Not sure where the last couple of months have gone.

Seems to me that the winter seems to creep up on us these days. After the summer has completely failed to show its face that is.

Its starting to get colder, the sun is going down earlier and earlier and the clocks haven't even gone back yet.

Its three weeks till half term, and I am really looking forward to getting away from here for a week.

Life is a confusing animal. I have always been a person who is very good at adapting to my circumstances. Who will just get on within the situation I find myself. But I've got to a point where I've had enough of it. I no longer want to just survive half happily in an environment I feel I don't belong.

But the main problem I am faced with, is that I doubt my ability to do anything about this. I worry that I may just keep my head down, doing nothing, living the easy life.

Cos that's the thing, its so much easier to just go with the flow, just accept life as it is and do nothing about it, for doing something about, it takes effort and I'm not sure I will be arsed to produce it. A fantastic friend of mine has escaped. She had a goal, a light at the end of her tunnel, and she was determined to reach it.

But I'm not convinced that I have that determination. And that concerns me. I guess time will tell eh?

I’ll let you know.

Lates.

Matt

Jumping Or Falling?

That's the question I'm debating.

Having left teaching after four and a something years for a seven month break from the education sector before I return to it in September, I have been thinking about the choices we make in life and the reasons behind them.

Some people are lucky enough to know exactly want they want to do with their lives early on. Whether that is a purely money based career path, a satisfaction and excitement based lifestyle, or even just a loafing around enjoying themselves as much as they can route, these people have goals, and dreams, they can look to the future and state 'that is where I want to be in ten years.' I envy these people to some extent. They are definitely on the jumping side of this debate. They make conscious decisions with their end plan as a basis.

I'm much more of the falling kind. I had no idea want I wanted to do with my life, and am still not 100% convinced. I fell in to teaching due to a lack of anything else to do. Now don't get me wrong, I love a lot about teaching and my time at my previous School contained some of the best times of my life. I am also really looking forward to the challenge that September will bring. But I have these niggling doubts every now and then, a little voice in my head that asks 'Do you really want to be doing this for the rest of your working life?'

Now. I quite understand that I'm being a little over dramatic here. Because who hasn't at one point in their lives asked that same question? My concern is that if the answer becomes NO! then I may well be completely screwed.

Anyway. Enough of that. I was thinking the same question can apply to the relationships we have, although the lines are not so distinct. There are couples who, together, jump wholeheartedly into relationships with clear joint goals in mind. They build their lives around each other and these targets. I know a few couples like this and they are fantastic. That is not to say however that relationships like these always work. Sadly they often don't. People and situations are forever evolving and what may have originally been one goal will often split into two that can pull couples apart.

Then are times when people will fall into relationships, for such reasons as loneliness, boredom, dissatisfaction or just the need to be loved. It might be the quick fix for something that's not working, or may be a way to escape a difficult situation. These can often be intense, heated and passionate. A flash grenade to the 'jumpers' maglite, they will often explode. But having said that, conversely, they can develop into something exceptional and long lasting (controlled forest fire? maybe not!).

Finally (in my simplistic rule book anyway), there is the mix of the two. On one side someone ready to jump into a solid relationship and on the other a 'faller', someone who not really looking for anything but finding themselves drawn in by the feeling or hope that this may help them escape wherever they currently find themselves. Now I'm sure that relationships like this must work out at times. But I would say that for the most part they are doomed to fail. Not to say that they cannot be passionate, exciting and comforting for both sides, but there is surely an immediate conflict of interests, two forces pulling in different directions. And when they tear themselves apart they is the possibility of great damage for both sides.

I have experienced all of these types of relationship, and I have to say that I only regret being the faller to a jumper. If that makes any sense then good work you!

This post has pretty much run away with itself. Apologies if you have read it all, because I suspect you are now thinking you've just wasted precious minutes reading a bunch of tosh.

Nevermind eh?

There's always tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow...

Time And How We Spend It

Its been five and bit months since I last posted on here. I'm worse than even The Floop seems to be at the moment.

Been thinking about what has happend since 23rd January. Depending on how you look at it, either not much or crap loads.

It supposed to be summer now, and although as I am writing this I have my back door open, it has been pishing it down for the last few hours. I'm getting quite sick of the crap weather in this country. Think I need to get away somewhere hot for a while.

I've been back in New Ash Green now for nearly eight years, and decided to put a cap on it at ten. By then I'm gonna be gone. Decision made and now its out there so it just gonna have to happen.

A Quicky

Just to let anyone who doesn't / didn't know that Tottenham Hotspurs beat the gooner scum (that's Arsenil to anyone who is confused / a girl) 5-1 tonight.

And also to let you know that I am very happy.

Lates.

Matt The Hat.

Fork, Crossroads or Precipice

There are times in your life that involve choices. Some of them that involve very simple decisions such as, 'Shall I go to the pub and have a beer' or 'What shall I wear today', but there are also others that are far more complex such as, 'Is it all worth it?' and 'Shall I keep going, or shall I give up?'

Decisions are difficult at the best of times. But if your judgement is clouded either by trivial things such as being drunk, or more pressing issues such as 'What do I actually want to do with my life?' then they can become a serious obstacle that sometimes you don't think you can overcome.

I'm not sure what the answer to this problem is. I guess I have always tried to work out what will make me the happiest, or what will give me the most satisfaction, but then I often end up deciding on that which will make me happiest in the short term and decide to ignore the future.

Its a fucker of a problem. Because taking the easy way out has often been my philosophy, but from personal experience I can tell you that eventually you get to a point where you have to say enough is enough - I have to think about the future and hope its not too late.

I think what we all need is someone very wise that we can speak to. Someone that has done it all, made all the mistakes but has lived to tell the tale, and has also found their way eventually. And you know what? One day I’d like to be that person. But time will tell as it always does.

Lates.

CD Comp Part One

So I've got myself another Christmas CD.

I know you don't care, but here is the first half.

1. Half The World Away - Oasis.
I have loved this song for quite a few years and I may well have shoved it on one of my other Christmas CDs but Freck it I don't care.

2. Go To Hell - David Ford.
This is off Mr Ford's new album and it rocks my serious socks off. Full of passion and life. I love it.

3. Elvis Ain't Dead - Scouting For Girls.
This song is one I love and it reminds me of a place I've been to. 'I wish It Was Me'

4. Think About It, Think Think About It.
What can I say about the Fight Of The Conchords? They rock in all the right places. Long live them!

5. I Wasn't Built To Get Up - The Supernaturals.
There is not much I need to say about this tune. It may as well have been written about me.

6. Forever Young - Youth Group.
This Song was recommended to me by Mr Chalkey-McChalk. Its a great song about getting older and not wanting to, about wanting to live forever, and this is something I can relate to.

7. Let Me Out - Ben's Brother.
Not entirely sure how or why I found Ben's Brother, but he/they are very cool. This song is my favourite off of their album.

8. Everything I've Got - Iain Archer.
Saw this fella at Greenbelt this year and he was very cool. This is a great song, very mellow, very cool.

9. Nowhere Man - The Beatles.
I have loved this song for as long as I can remember. It is classic Beatles and it makes me smile.

END

Mortality.

Well it has been a strange weekend.

I went to Manchester on Friday and had a good time there.

Then at about half seven on Sunday evening, I found out that a guy who I went to School with had died.

He didn't even do anything stupid like drink drive or overdose on whatever. He just died of, from what I understand, was natural causes. He was a really nice bloke and he will be hugely missed.

His death got me thinking, unsurprisingly, about my own mortality, and the fact that I am apparently no longer immortal. This is not a good thing as I have lived the last twenty plus years assuming that I was actually going to live forever.

Things like this tend to put your life into perspective. It makes you think, about how you interact with people, about those times when you've been regrettably harsh to someone, and about those times when you wanted to say something to someone, but didn't.
Now living your life as if anyone and everyone is about to die any minute is not a productive way to exist, but I think there is definitely something to be said for treating everyday people like you may never see them again.

I am nearly thirty years old. But I will get there and I will get slowly older everyday, but my friend wont. He will stay 29 for many years until the last person who knew him leaves this world. There are a lot of people missing him right now.

Lates.

Man Chest eh?

Well my car didn't get torched whilst I was there so that's a bonus.

It was a good weekend and fun was had by all.

I may well add some pictures to this post at some point.

But not today.

Lates.