Things, Stuff, And The Rest

Well hey

Its now June. Not entirely sure where the last year went, but go it did. Its been a strange 12 months for me. Full of different emotions and events. I have found myself at a bit of a loss what to do for large periods, which I know from past experience living my life, is not a good thing for me.

I have done some things I regret, as I always do, I have done some things that I never thought I would and I have had some fun. And now looking back over this period of time I am trying to work it all out.

Conclusions? Not really. But I can say that I always used be proud of the fact, that I always acted in a logical way. Everything I did, I did for a clearly defined, logical reason. The problem I am faced with now though, is the fact that over the last year, most of what I have done, has left logic far behind. I have acted impulsively, with little thought for anyone or anything else. It is a strange feeling to have, one I haven't felt since I was 18.

Its time, I know, to reel it back in, but I have to be honest and say that it has been a strangely liberating time. As I have always said 'thinking too much fucks you up.' But what I have learnt over the last year is that 'not thinking enough also puts you in a similar situation.' (not quite as catchy I know)

I have made my bed and so I will lie in it. I am back to logical thinking but I know that although I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. And I can live with that. Time to draw a line in the sand and let the past be the past and look towards the future.

All in all, maybe I'm actually better off.

Time, as always, will tell, I guess.

Lates.

Time And How We Spend It

Its been five and bit months since I last posted on here. I'm worse than even The Floop seems to be at the moment.

Been thinking about what has happend since 23rd January. Depending on how you look at it, either not much or crap loads.

It supposed to be summer now, and although as I am writing this I have my back door open, it has been pishing it down for the last few hours. I'm getting quite sick of the crap weather in this country. Think I need to get away somewhere hot for a while.

I've been back in New Ash Green now for nearly eight years, and decided to put a cap on it at ten. By then I'm gonna be gone. Decision made and now its out there so it just gonna have to happen.

Fork, Crossroads or Precipice

There are times in your life that involve choices. Some of them that involve very simple decisions such as, 'Shall I go to the pub and have a beer' or 'What shall I wear today', but there are also others that are far more complex such as, 'Is it all worth it?' and 'Shall I keep going, or shall I give up?'

Decisions are difficult at the best of times. But if your judgement is clouded either by trivial things such as being drunk, or more pressing issues such as 'What do I actually want to do with my life?' then they can become a serious obstacle that sometimes you don't think you can overcome.

I'm not sure what the answer to this problem is. I guess I have always tried to work out what will make me the happiest, or what will give me the most satisfaction, but then I often end up deciding on that which will make me happiest in the short term and decide to ignore the future.

Its a fucker of a problem. Because taking the easy way out has often been my philosophy, but from personal experience I can tell you that eventually you get to a point where you have to say enough is enough - I have to think about the future and hope its not too late.

I think what we all need is someone very wise that we can speak to. Someone that has done it all, made all the mistakes but has lived to tell the tale, and has also found their way eventually. And you know what? One day I’d like to be that person. But time will tell as it always does.

Lates.

Mortality.

Well it has been a strange weekend.

I went to Manchester on Friday and had a good time there.

Then at about half seven on Sunday evening, I found out that a guy who I went to School with had died.

He didn't even do anything stupid like drink drive or overdose on whatever. He just died of, from what I understand, was natural causes. He was a really nice bloke and he will be hugely missed.

His death got me thinking, unsurprisingly, about my own mortality, and the fact that I am apparently no longer immortal. This is not a good thing as I have lived the last twenty plus years assuming that I was actually going to live forever.

Things like this tend to put your life into perspective. It makes you think, about how you interact with people, about those times when you've been regrettably harsh to someone, and about those times when you wanted to say something to someone, but didn't.
Now living your life as if anyone and everyone is about to die any minute is not a productive way to exist, but I think there is definitely something to be said for treating everyday people like you may never see them again.

I am nearly thirty years old. But I will get there and I will get slowly older everyday, but my friend wont. He will stay 29 for many years until the last person who knew him leaves this world. There are a lot of people missing him right now.

Lates.

Lie f

It’s a funny one eh?

I sometimes think that the worst thing ever is to live an uninteresting, boring life. But I can sympathise with those who state that a bit of monotonous, dull living would be a welcome change.

I suppose it all comes down to where you are in your life and what you really want. There are those that want a bit more excitement to spice up their lives, but equally, there are also those who have reached a point where a bit of quiet is exactly what they require.

There's always that grass is always greener cliché to roll out at times like these, but I think it is, like most clichés, not particularly helpful.

Everything, I suppose comes down to the middle ground; Being in a place where you need no more excitement or no more quiet in your life. For those of you in this situation, I must say there are many out there who envy you. You must share your secrets with the rest of us.

This is the end of another pointless piece of waffle, brought to you by me.

Lates.

Matt.

Start & Finish

I'm in one of those retrospective, introspective, extrospective, futrospective moods that I am sometimes prone to.

Been thinking recently about beginnings and endings. From the relatively unimportant such as seasons and breaks from work, to the important such as life.

Eras. That’s what I’ve really been thinking about. You don’t really seem to think about the beginning of an era. You always talk about the end of an era. I suppose that’s because its so much easier to define the end rather than the beginning.

There are many era ends that people go through. The end of childhood is, I suppose the one that hits us all. That time when we are no longer excited about the presents that Santa’s gonna bring us, and when we start to realise that our parents aren’t all conquering omnipotent forces. Eventually we come to realise that we are not in actual fact immortal and that we may actually die. I’m nearly there I promise.

There are also other ends. For me a big one was the end of University life. That point when I realised that I was no longer to be surrounded by hundreds of ‘friends’ and that I had to move into the ‘real’ world and get a job. That was a difficult one for me. I really struggled with the adjustment. When I moved back in with my parents I thought I was going to go mad within a week.

But its interesting how we just seem to adapt to our circumstances and find something, maybe strength, maybe patience, maybe just plain acceptance, that will get us through the change.

The end of relationships is another one that I have found difficult in the past. I suppose, depending how it ends, that it’s the fact that its such a huge change to your life that makes it so difficult. You go from living your life with and for another person with them doing the same, to it all suddenly changing. You no longer have this other person to wander through your life with. You no longer have any rights over them and they over you. It’s a very weird feeling, and something that has taken a lot of getting used to in the past.

But the thing I find most interesting is, however hard all these ends of eras have been. I have gotten past them, and I have moved on. I no longer get sad about the fact that I know that Father Christmas isn’t really coming on Christmas Eve, and I have accepted that I’m no longer a 19 year old student. And I’m happy with it. I think it all seems so hard at the time because, as I’ve said, the beginnings of new eras aren’t as easily noticeable as the ends. And I think people sometimes get so caught up with the ends that they completely fail to notice that a new stage of life is upon them, that has the potential to be better than anything beforehand.

There’s a saying that goes ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone.’ And I think it’s often true, but I also think it doesn’t always have to be. Look around you, take in your surroundings, and the people who are there with you. And not always, but definitely sometimes, life might seem a little better for it.

End Of Waffle.

Lates.

Matt The Hat.

End Of The Week Thoughts.

So, its the end of half term. That's a pain in the arse if ever there was one.

I did a load of work today, broken up only by watching Spurs kick the crap out of Fulham. Which was very cool.

As I did all the work that I really should have done all week I got to thinking about life as I'm prone to do.

Its odd, that's what I decided. You seem to have two choices about how you live it:

You can play it safe, keep your head down and just get on with it. This is the self protecting way, you don't risk anything so you never really get hurt or screwed over or lose anything of value. But its also the dull way, I think. Because you never gamble on anything you may miss out on opportunities that could make your life fuller or richer.

The other way is to take those chances and risks and see what happens. Now if you live like this you are more than likely to get yourself fucked over more than once, but I suppose its all about the times you don't and you experience things that change your life for the better and things that you can look back on in twenty years and say 'yeah, that was a good time.'

Now for me personally there are times when I've been both and there are times when I was pleased with my decision and other times I still regret the choices I made.

Its a difficult one. Hindsight’s a fucker, but once you've done something you've got to live with it. So I’m thinking now that I'm gonna try and pick the times to play it safe and the times when I just go for it, with as much thought as I can muster at that particular moment in time. And try not to regret any of it. Because regret, along with guilt and mistrust can really bugger you up.

Right I'm done.

Lates.

Matt.

Today, Or Maybe Yesterday.

To today I decided to do some work. I got the laptop out sat down, and really struggled to get focused. Did about an hour, then decided, cos I really didn't want to do anymore, that I’d do something that I had been meaning to do for ages but never quite got round to, because there was always something more interesting to do.

So I pulled out all my photos looked through them and choose the best to scan into the computer. it was actually more fun than I thought it was going to be. I started at the beginning - the late seventies, early eighties.

It wasn't until I got to 1996, the year I left School and went to University that I started to get all nostalgic. Looking at pictures of me and my School friends looking disgustingly young and all set to go to University was odd. I then basically relived my four years in Winchester through the photos of my time there, and that put me in a very strange mood. Its not that I want to go back and relive that whole time again because I’m not sure I could cope with it, but wouldn't it be cool if you could just kinda dip back in for a couple of hours, hang out with some mates and then jump back to the present. That'd definitely be cool.

As I said - funny mood.

Anyway. The point of this post (Yes I think it has one) is that I have put these photos on the Inter-the-web-net.

If you wanna look at them all then go here.

If you're lazy and can't be bothered to look through them all then:

For Winchester Years 1+2 Year 3 Year 4+

For the 1980's 1990's 2000's

Right think that's about it.

Time for some bedtiming thinks I.

Hmmmm. still seem to be in a funny mood.

Surely the caffeine and the alcohol should have sorted that right out by now.

Nevermind.


Lates.

Its January People.

Having read Floop's 'post new-year's lull' post and chatting to a few people, I have decided to chuck a few thoughts out there onto the good ol'double-yew double-yew double-yew dot etc. So here you go:

January is a bit of shitty month. The weather is pretty crappy. No one has got any money because they spent it all on Christmas presents / festivities / piss ups. The summer still feels like a life time ago and a life time away. The only thing to look forward to on the horizon is pancake day and to be fair that's not quite as exciting as it once was (but then again, is anything?) .

However. I'm not feeling too bad. I mean sure, I've got no money and the weather is pretty crap (although not as bad as it could be) and I speak to my friend in Australia and its hot and sunny there and I'm jealous, BUT hey, I don't know. January is just that month you've got to get through every year. Once its over February is pretty short, then you've got March which is when the clocks go forward (my third favourite day of the year) then it starts getting brighter and warmer.

Its grit your teeth, put your head down and just make it up as you go along time. So that’s what you've got to do.

The End.

Matt.

P.S. I seem to keep writing these post where I have really no idea what i'm gonna say until my fingers hit the keys. Its a strange one. I'll let you decide if this post makes sense, cos I can't be bothered to read it back through.

Lates.

Drinking

I think I may have drunk too much last night. Its blatantly Floop's fault. He just reminded me that we had two tequila slammers last night, which were his idea. So you see its all his fault. Or something. Then of course he didn't come back to mine after the gig with the others so I just HAD to drink nearly a whole bottle of red wine on my own.

I am at his and El's house right now drinking coffee and playing on El's composter. El's having a bath and Floop's rapping. Or more accurately wrapping. Well he will be when he can find the wrapping paper.

I've been thinking recently about drinking in general and specifically how much I am drinking these days. I had two weeks off over the Christmas period, and I spent much of it drunk or drinking. The amount of money I have spent in bars over the last few weeks can be seen using my bank balance which is a large number with minus sign in front of it.

Now I can be secure in the knowledge that I am not drinking as much as I did when I worked full time in a pub, but I was only 21 then, and really, shouldn't I have moved on from there by now? I vaguely remember feeling a bit like this, this time last year, and I'm sure as things settle down now I will drink less and less until I get to the point where I really want to go out and get smashed cos I haven't done it for so long.

But for now I am going to make a concerted effort to drink less and save money and do all the things you are supposed to do at this time of year like give up smoking and get more exercise n'shit. It probably wont work though.

Nevermind eh?

I was going to say something else, but I can't think what it was.

Think I'll just end mid sentence and ge

Life

Its a strange one.

To be fair if it always made sense, it'd probably be really boring.

But every now and again it'd be nice if life followed the rules.

You know, those ones that are written everywhere.

But hey.

Nevermind eh?

Lates.

Matt The Hat.

P.S.

I am quite aware that this post makes no sense.

Bite Me.

Being 28

Well.

Its interesting being 28.

I helped my friend move house today. He's the same age as me, and has a wife and two kids and has just moved into a house that cost a shit load.

He is sorted in his life. It involves looking after his wife and kids and being able to provide for their every neeed, and I found myself feeling somewhat jealous of, not his earnings, or his lifestyle, but of the fact that he was secure in what his future will bring.

I have no idea of what I will be doing next week, let alone next year, and I find that being 28 and single is a difficult position to be in. I want to find myself a partner, but I am now so particular that its much more difficult than it was when I was 18.

I wish I could go back to that time and reassess my life at that point.

Not sure if that would change anything, but at least I'd know.

Anyway.

This is me.

And that's it.


Lates.


Matt.

Sorry I'm Back Now

So where was I?

Oh yeah, I was walking to my parents and I happened to be following a women of about thirty.

As soon as I realised this I tried to back off a little in an attempt not to make her feel intimidated.

However she had obviously decided to slow down so that I would overtake her, which ended in this rather strange slow-mo over take.

Now this would have all passed me by had it not been for the fact that just before I reached her she quite blatantly moved her handbag from the overtaking side to the other.

Obviously in a cunningly strategy to prevent me from stealing it.

This would not have bothered me at all, had I actually been planning to steal her bag.

She however had decided that as I was young (relatively), somewhat scruffy (I was hung-over) and a man I was a potential mugger, and that I would possibly choose Sunday lunchtime to steal her bag.

Now this, after initially annoying me, got me thinking.

About perceptions, and how they shape our individual worlds.

I like to think that I am quite open minded and non-judgemental, and considering that I am a Christian, I tend to be, compared to many of my contemporises.

However.

I do judge people. There are some people that I immediately warm to and others that I immediately have, at least, reservations about.

But I do not think there is anyone alive that is truly non-judgemental.

Anyway.

All this got me thinking about how other people perceive me.

Now.

I work in a place that is very much dominated by women. In fact the staff is 97% female.

This give people different perceptions of me. Some think that I am simply gay. Hopefully only initially. Others think that I am after all the ladies.

On top of this I seem to be able to use my maleness to my advantage sometimes.

Anyway.

I digress.

The most important thing I thought was what my neighbours think about me. I mean they are at least 70 years old, and to them I must seem like some young scruffy ruffian, who makes a lot of noise and have a crapload of other ysr's visiting at all hours of day and night.

I'm not surprised that they give me evil looks all the day time.

But hey Fuck 'em.

What do they know eh?

3:45

Its 3:45 Am

Can you see the link to the title there.

Seamless.

Shit. Now its 3:47. What do I do? Change the title? Or do i just carry on regardless?

I am at the moment listening to lots of random songs from my i-tunes library.

I have so many songs on my computer that I have never listened to and , to be fair, for the most part there is a very good reason for this.

However, every once in a while I come a cross a great song, that I can't believe i have not listened to before.

I think, in my present alcohol fuelled state that that is a great metaphor for life.

We (and by we I mean us people, of the world) spend far too much time concentrating on the tried and tested, safe and favourite things in our life that every now and then miss some amazing things that if we were more open to life's quirks we would embrace and find indispensable.

Holly Carp. I am in the mood for talking sheet.

Bonsoir.


Matt.

P.S. Its now 3:58.

P.P.S. Just thought you'd like to know.

Photos

Now.

I Love photos.

But sometimes I think that I wish I didn't have some of them.

The thing about photos is that they remind you of past events.

And that is great when you want to be reminded of them, but sometimes you flick through your albums and you end up looking at photos that remind you of times gone and forgotten and then your start to feel nostalgic, and remember regrets you have about the past and people you used to talk to every day that you haven't seen for years. And then you sit there and go 'yeah I like photos, but sometimes they aren't that great.' And so then you decide to write another post about the not always greatness of photos cos you've had a few.

N'shit.

Nearly 28.

Well.

I had a BBQ slash party today.

And after I really got thinking about life, the universe n'shit.

well when I say that I really just mean my life, cos that's what that really means I think.

It ten years since I went to university, and the problem I have, is that half the time I still think I'm there.

I've been drinking now for fifteen and a half hours straight. I'm not quite as drunk as I could be, but far drunker than I should be, and now, as it always does at times like this, my mind moves into the realms of what could, should and/or would have been.

I think back to decisions I've made over the last the ten years, and try to imagine what life would have been like if I'd taken different paths throughout this time, but I have to come to the conclusion that no matter what mistakes I made, they inevitably led to other good things, basically I realise that if I hadn't fucked up one situation I would never have experienced another great one slightly further down the road. Its, to be fair, a bit of a head fuck, but I have to say that there are things I regret, such as I wish with all my heart I hadn't treated some girls as I did, but I realise that if I changed any of it I would have to change everything that came after it, and I really don't want to do that.

Life’s a beach, and then it rains.

So here's to the South. Drink with me.

Lates.


Matt James Ashford BA(Hons)